The Jonah Show – Dissecting ‘Fast & Furious 7’ trailer

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Best Article Ever

By JONAH ANDERSON

So I don’t think I’m overstating the fact that the most important event in human history just happened. “The Fast And Furious 7” trailer dropped. I’m going to break down the trailer with as much detail and thought that a super fan like myself can.

The trailer starts out with Dom (Vin Diesel) talking on the CB radio to his crew. The shot goes from him, to Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), to Roman (Tyrese) and we hear from Tej (Ludacris) who is asking Roman if he’s freaking out which he clearly is. Now why is Roman freaking out so much? I mean they’re all in cars, it’s basically where they live.

It’s no stretch to call them the greatest team of drivers ever. Roman says he’s not freaking out but Tej calls him out and he and Brian O’ Connor (Paul Walker) have a good laugh. Roman wants someone to walk him through what they’re supposed to be doing. Come on, Roman, know the plan. I mean you’re probably just driving and pulling off a heist or something, get those butterflies out of your stomach.

The red light goes off, some sort of rear door opens and we get to see everyone in some sweet rides.

Cut to an exterior shot of an airplane!? What the hell? They’re in an airplane? In cars? Now this I’ve got to see. I mean they have a lot of experience in airplaning from the last movie, but I didn’t see any doomsday devices handed out.

O’ Connor says “Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better” to his boy Dom. Dom says “Here we go” while Roman provides some comic relief by blessing himself. What is going on here?

Holy shit they throw the cars in reverse and skydive out of a fucking plane, IN CARS!

Parachutes deploy and they make it onto the road no problem. Tej sums it up better than I ever could, “Hell Yeah!”

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I would just like to take a minute and point out that the trailer starts with the crew skydiving out of a plane in cars. That’s the start, we’re just ramping up from here.

The crew is now driving on a road, all normal like, when they pull up on a bus. Oh we’ve seen this before. Clearly they’re going to be taking this bus down. Are they springing someone from a prison bus? Pulling off a big heist? Who knows? But we all know that if there’s one thing that Dom and the crew can do it’s pretty much anything they want involving moving vehicles.

But “Oh Shiiii….” Tej again has the perfect words for this situation. The bus presses a magic button and guns come out of the side and start firing. O’ Connor’s car is lit up with gun fire and he seems to pull off to the side. But no big deal, reunited lovers Dom and Letty “Hook ‘em up” and fire gatlings into the bus and pull off the back with a little help from Tej’s magic button and the power of brakes.

Dom says Brian is up, but wait a minute I thought he pulled over.

Naw girl, he’s freaking surfing on his bullet hole ridden car while being pushed by Tej’s hummer.

So he hops into the bus taking some chump down in the process. While it’s not shown, it’s safe to assume he takes down the other jabronis on the bus and shoots a lock on a door, pulls the hood off of some person, and surprise, it’s an attractive female. Brian, being the all American good guy, tells her they’re going to get her out of there.

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She has to jump onto the hood of Dom’s car and really seems to have no problem doing so. She screams, but I assume Dom uses his super driving skills to chill her out. But there’s a problem. With all the jabronis Brian took down, there’s no one driving the bus and it flips!

The bus rides along the road on its side for a little bit before coming to rest. Whew! That was a close one. Oh did I forget to mention that it comes to a rest over the edge of a cliff? Because that’s exactly what it does.

O’ Connor hops out the door which is the part that’s hanging over a cliff. He climbs up the side of the bus like a boss but the rocks are starting to crumble. He breaks out in a dead sprint across the bus while it’s falling over the cliff. Things look bleak, but Letty is racing towards the bus. She power slides as Brian is still running across the falling bus. He leaps and catches the spoiler on Letty’s powersliding car.

Holy shit looks like he made it out of this one safe and sound. The bus falls off the cliff and all those kidnapping dickheads on board presumably fall to a terrible death.

And that’s the end of the trailer. Or is it? It’s not.

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No all of this insane action has happened in about the first minute and a half. How are they going to top all this? Strap yourself in and get ready for a hell of a ride.

Dom’s on the phone with some limey who killed Han (Sung Kan). The limey says that Dom doesn’t know him but he’s about to and the scene where he crashes into Han and walks away is shown. The tea sipper is shown to be Jason Statham. Dom tells his crew that it looks like the sins of London have followed them home. Also of note, new rescued girl is with the crew now.

Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) makes his first appearance and you know business is about to pick up. He explains that new foreinger is Owen Shaw’s “Big bad brother.”

Man, Dom and his crew have horrible luck. It seems like every movie they keep running into someone bigger and badder than before. I have a theory that Fast 8 will feature Owen’s brother Deckard’s bigger badder cousins, Nic Cage and Jean Claude Van Damme.

Also as you just read, Hobbs’ file contains the name Deckard Shaw, so it’s safe to assume that’s Statham’s character. We get a couple seconds of Deckard being a badass against some randoms, just to establish how tough he really is.

Tej makes a statement that really sums up what’s going on “We’re being hunted.” Look I don’t care how tough you are, how tough your brother is, you’re not going to hunt down Dom’s crew. They show shots of Dom, Hobbs, and O’ Connor getting ready by having some sweet/giant guns and bullet proof vests.

It’s interesting to note that O’Connor is wearing an FBI vest, so at least O’Connor is back on the legit side of the law. After this, there is a very poingent shot of Dom and O’Connor where Dom states “One last ride.” Sadly, Walker’s death does mean that this is truly their last ride together.

Cut to shots of insane cars driving… in the desert???? I know it’s the desert because there’s a shot of sand and camels. What have the guys gotten themselves into now?

Oh there’s an insane party going on with gold painted girls and quite possibly Little John DJing while a bunch of presumably rich people throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care. Cut to a shot of the crew dressed to the nines. Tuxes, suits, dresses, they are straight crushing walking down stairs.

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Cut to a shot of a car race, where Dom’s Charger can be seen. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that he wins the race. Good news, there’s also a sweet shot of some booty as a chick bends over and drops the scarf to start the race.

Letty’s driving, then there’s some red and an explosion. Gunfire in that red building, then cut to a shot of Dom driving his Charger. Lots of Fast and Furious action going on here. We see that Dom has a cut on his hand as he shifts, I assume from backhanding some bad guy too much. The word vengance hits the screen and we go back to the real star of the movie, Hobbs.

Hobbs utters possibly the greatest line ever spoken by anyone, “Daddy’s got to go to work.”

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Oh and work he does. His arm is in a cast which is very confusing. My theory is that Shaw blindsided Hobbs just like he did to Han. Only Shaw was driving a tank, Hobbs was just standing around, and he had just finished drinking a kryptonite smoothie. Seems like the most logical way Hobbs could end up with a broken arm.

So it’s tough to tell if Hobbs rips the cast off, or just simply flexes and breaks it apart. But the message is clear, Hobbs doesn’t let a minor setback like broken bones slow him down.

Now he fights some dude with a shaved head that at first I assumed was Shaw, but upon pausing the trailer, it looks like just some random jabroni that a smackdown must be layed down upon. Hobbs makes this guy look like a punk even with one arm and punches him through a glass window.

We get a shot of Shaw looking tough with a gun, as a familiar voice, Kurt Russell, tells Dom something that sounds like, “This is a world that doesn’t play by your rules.” Followers of Dom know that he has a code, and spoiler alert, we’ll hear more about that code later on in the trailer. It’s not all “Show me how and drive and I’ll show you who you are.”

More quick cuts, Shaw shoots a gun, possibly at a sick red car that’s driving in a sick house. Hobbs is firing a gatling gun, just like Roadblock in GI Joe. Letty’s in a red dress, Dom’s in a tux with Letty in a red dress, kidnap victim is coming out of the water in a bikini as Roman and Tej look on. A helicopter flies, O’Connor drives a car like a champ. Dom and Shaw appear to have samuri swords in each hand as they fly at each other. Shaw’s sweet ride is wrecked while Dom’s Charger seems to be in pretty solid shape.

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The next shot has Shaw against the cement part of a street light with Dom winding up for a home run swing. Sadly, it appears that Dom is swinging a crowbar and not a samauri sword. He misses and explodes the concrete. Smart fans will remember that Dom is especially deadly with wrenches, so it makes sense he’s a complete badass with a crowbar as well.

The trailer then shows shots of Tej, Roman, Letty, and the first shot of Mia (Jordanna Brewster) O’Connor’s wife and Dom’s sister. She looks concerned, and I mean super concerned. Kurt Russell’s voice speaks over these shots and tells Dom, “Like it or not, you and your friends are part of this now.” Dom responds with the wisdom that cannot be taught or learned, it has to be God given. “I don’t have friends, I got family.” BOOM! Suck on that Shaw, you and your brother may have been blood, but you don’t have shit on Dom and his family.

Cut to a long shot of O’Connor and Roman in the background. Furious 7, weird title, coming April 2015.

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And that’s your trailer folks. I’m writing this from my smart phone as I’m already camped out in line for the movie. If you have any other questions please feel free to ask, because I feel that I’m the foremost expert on all things Fast and or Furious.

 

 

1 Comment

  1. Shaun Scott

    DRAH! 7 Fast…
    DRAH! 7 Furious…
    I’M SEVEN FAST FOR Y’ALL MAYN!
    DRAH! 7 Fast…
    DRAH! 7 Furious…
    OHH! I’M SEVEN FAST FOR Y’ALL MAYN!

    AHH, you 7ust came home from doin a bid
    Te77 me whatcha gon do? ACT A FOOL
    Somebody broke in and c7eaned out your crib
    BOY whatcha gon do? ACT A FOOL

    7

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